I have not really felt like “myself” in days. This is both disturbing and a bit freeing.
Thursday I came down with what seemed to be the stomach flu. Since I can’t recall the last time I had the stomach flu, it was not what I guessed was happening to me until my fever rose up high in the evening. At this point I was at Jessica’s house and she and her husband let me sleep and sweat on their couch that night.
I guess I don’t really need to go into great detail about being sick except that it adds a strange quality to packing, saying goodbye and then traveling when you feel that exhausted.
I would like to write a post that sort of wraps up my thoughts and feelings about coming back to Colorado Springs into a tidy package but I’m not there yet. My internal landscape for this step is vastly unrecognizable to me. Part of me wanted to stay in Washington, part of me wanted to come back here but most of me wanted to curl up into a little ball and sleep for the rest of the month.
I do not like January... It marks some sad events in the area of marriage but mostly it is the month my daughter died. There is nothing logical or reasonable about my reactions… I cannot anticipate them. In fact, I don’t even know how to directly connect how awful I feel to her death except that while there is often no real connection between a days happenings and what happened 4 years ago, I will still unconsciously connect them.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful. I am grateful for her life. I am grateful that I have life today and I’m grateful for a million other things. Possibly part of not feeling like myself is that I’ve been resisting expressing my grief, anger and despair because I don’t like how it looks and I don’t think anyone wants to hear it. While I deny those feelings they take on a life of their own and I become more and more disconnected.
So there, I’ve said it. I hate that Sarah died. Times a thousand. I don’t want to let her death make me bitter about the future but every once in a while it does.
Tomorrow I will start my new job here in Colorado and what I want most is to be present and give everything I have to give here. I want to bless God and bless Sarah… and I want to bless you.
Thank you to the people who helped me the last few days and weeks of being at home in Washington. Thank for the coffee, the laughs, the movies, the hike, the gifts. Thank you for finding a million excuses for me to stay but also supporting and loving me as I go.
May the sun shine upon us in January and may we know how much we have to be grateful for.