You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out

I‘ve decided to act like a grownup for Christmas this year. I should have done this long before age 39, but you must understand that I didn’t realize I’ve been acting like a child until some time in the mid morning of today.

When you’re a kid, your parents make holidays- from scratch out of love, and special parent magic. When you leave the house, you transition through stages: holidays with friend’s families, holidays with just friends, one horrible New Years Eve spent alone, several happily solitary Thanksgivings. And you enjoy the freedom, thinking that one year, not long from now, you will begin your own family; you will start your own traditions. You will tap into the parent magic for yourself and start building holidays as a gift to your own children.  Your heart will be made of chocolate and your spouse will know just where (and how) to hang the stockings.

That is, unless you remain (mostly) single and (mostly) childless. If this happens,  you will one day get an email from your boss asking you to work more in December, you may briefly compare yourself to Lucy Eleanor Moderatz from While You Were Sleeping, and then start sobbing in the middle of some house you are cleaning in Bellevue…

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Old Acquaintance

I‘m that lady who alternately weeps and cracks jokes. It looks like insanity, but it is actually exactly how to stay sane.

Today I met a 70yr old version of myself.

Every week, some of our students and one of our staff go next door to an assisted living home to lead a Bible study. Every week, whoever goes comes back with full hearts and good stories. Those people are amazing. Sometimes only of a few of them show up, sometimes more than 5. Sometimes several people leave in the middle. It’s not just a place for old people, it’s for anyone who needs assistance in living, so there are people as young as 18 and one lady who is 97 and many of them are noticeably “different.”

Today the 97yr old woman came (I’ll call her Beth), as well as two other women (I will call them Cindy and Lily). Cindy left early because her bipolar disorder was making it hard for her to sit with a group of people. She apologized profusely, but exited quickly. Lily was the old version of me and she spent part of the time cracking jokes, noticing random things (“Look out that window! There’s a plane that just flew over the peak!”), and the other part of the time, she wept openly….

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Holiday Equilibrium

The Christmas season is upon us. I think I’m finally beginning to reclaim some joy for this season.  It’s amazing what an idyllic childhood of Christmases will do to hinder and taint your attempts to enjoy the holiday as a single adult.

Christmases past are perfect in my memory and all of that had to do with my mom.She was way better than Santa Claus. Most of the year she was pretty stressed with work and taking care of three girls on her own, but at Christmas time she was the Happiest Little Elf version of herself. Her happiness would spill over to her three daughters in a way that caused us to fight less and love more. The weekend after Thanksgiving she would pull out the boxes and the whole house would be transformed. A stack of the best Christmas records would sit on the record player and when they  had played through we would just flip them all over and start again.

As the youngest in the house, I always got up first on Christmas morning. Sometime around age 7 or 8 I crept down the hall before daylight and there in the living room, in the magical glow of the Christmas tree lights, sat a shiny, red bicycle. I knew it was for me. After gaping at it for a few seconds, I slipped into my mom’s room to wake her up. Before I said anything, her sleepy voice came from under covers, “I missed The Face.” Of course she meant the face I made when I saw that glorious bike, so I replayed it for her….

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Coming to Town

Christmas comes but once a year.
Oddly enough that seems pretty frequent.

Every year I go through the same stages of Christmas Gift Anxiety. First, I don’t think about gifts until someone I know says they’ve almost finished their shopping. Then I think “holy crap, if they’ve just finished and I didn’t think about it until this moment, I’m way behind!”

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So if stage 1 is Oblivious, stage 2 is Stress. At this point I consider all of the people I want to bless and weigh that against all of the money I don’t have. This leads to stage 3, Disappointment. As a reaction to the disappointment I tell myself “it doesn’t matter. Why do we do this to ourselves every year? Everyone else knows how broke I am and will totally understand if I don’t get them anything.” I’m not sure what to call that stage… Denial?

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Following Yonder Star

Home is a happy vortex. It’s a little disorienting but awesome.

So far I have been to a Christmas party, a photo shoot, a concert in downtown Seattle (with my friend Sara’s band), a tree decorating, a walk on the rocky, cold beach, some Christmas shopping and now some cookie making. Lots of coffee and conversations about God.

The disorienting part concerns making decisions about how to spend my time…. while the hours keep running. The sun goes up (so I assume by the lightness of the grey outside) and the sun goes down and it keeps happening at seemingly lightning speed. What’s up with that?
How can I do everything I want to do? Must I sleep?

It seems like an impossible math equation that the work I want to do is so far away from the people I belong to.

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