I feel a bit sad and overwhelmed today.
Looking for the healthiest actions to take, I thought I could start with that confession and and then maybe some other things that should be said.
I was in a car accident Wednesday morning, on my way to Stanwood to meet with one of my pastors. We were going to talk about my current spiritual crisis and I
was going to ask for his advice about various other pieces of dissonance within and around me.
But then I crashed. Specifically, while heading south, trying to avoid something going on in the northbound lane, I got my wheel hooked on the side of the road and this got my car swinging wildly out of my control, which sent me flying at a spin into that northbound lane full of cars.
Picturing this now to describe it gives me this achy tightness in my chest… Continue reading “Detours”
Normally I wouldn’t publicly argue with a fictional character. I usually reserve that for inside of my head or those really fun late night conversations with friends, but today in the shower I was thinking about Yoda.
That came out weird.
I was thinking specifically about Yoda’s, “Do or do not, there is no try.” While I get that he’s pushing on Luke’s tendency to give up like a big whiney baby, using “I’ll try” as an excuse to fail in the future, I don’t really agree with Yoda’s method… Continue reading “Fighting Yoda”
Most of us want to be Good People. We tend to think that, just as a child grows from infancy to adulthood, everyone is at some stage of “growing up” toward maturity and greater independence.
A few months ago I posted something a friend of mine wrote where she mentioned a pastor who had committed suicide. Weeks later, another friend asked me about this- disturbed to consider a pastor doing such a horrible, desperate thing. Because of this idea we have that spiritual growth is a steep climb up a mountain made increasingly on your own, it is horrifying when someone “ahead” of us on the path gives up or slides dramatically backward.
We ask ourselves, “What is the point of my climbing if someone like that can fall?”
The bad news is that being a pastor or a missionary or a nun will not safeguard us from being Bad People, from getting depressed, from having broken relationships, from sin or from tragedy (a fact that is noticed easily by people who keep their distance from Christianity). Although we gain maturity and we learn lessons, we’re always light years away from being grown up… Continue reading “Getting it Right”
I hear the phrase “fear of man” pretty often among the people with whom I spend most of my time.
Sometimes, unfortunately, phrases like this begin to lose their meaning for me when they’ve been used too often. I understand them less and less in any practical fashion and they slide past me unnoticed in the daily barrage of words.
Then one day someone will talk about one of these realities without using the common phrase and suddenly I am struck with the truth and given a much needed heart check… Continue reading “Land Mines”
How was Paul the Apostle so confident? So active, so joyful, so sure of his position in God?
How am I so insecure? So easily discouraged, so doubtful of my position?
As I asked those questions, I heard in my head, “because you make it about you.” I make it about how I feel, what I think, what I’ve done, who I am.
When I woke up Friday morning I felt a kind of inner turmoil- like there was something rotten that needed attending. As I sat down to write in my journal I couldn’t really think of anything to say and I couldn’t figure out what my problem was. Because I’ve been slowly learning this lesson about the fact that my identity is not swayed by whatever my current emotion is, I just asked God in my head, “Is my heart in your hands, Lord?” and he simply responded, “It is.”
As I study Philippians, I’ve been kind of astounded by this statement, “If I am in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me.” (Philippians 1:22)
Paul knew that his work would accomplish something because he was doing God’s work, following God’s call, living in obedience. He was sure that God would make it fruitful.
He even says later in chapter 3 that he puts no confidence in himself and his abilities – it’s not about what he can or cannot do. He counted all of his former trophies as garbage so that he could cling to the sacrifice and perfection of Jesus. He strained toward identifying with Jesus in love and suffering – looking to position himself firmly in Christ… Continue reading “Failure Loses Its Sting”
About a year and a half ago God totally blew the lid off of my hopes and dreams for the future. At that point he told me I wasn’t dreaming big enough and when I examined what I’d been “dreaming” of, I realized this was absolutely true. Without thinking it through, I was just putting one foot in front of the other and looking for ways to come alongside others in their dreams.
Honestly, a bit of that is good because I really still have a heart to see other people walk in their calling and purpose, but what God was leading me to see was that He had something specifically for me that was way beyond what I’d ever considered.
As last year progressed three things appeared to be a part of that dream, 1. the whole world, 2. every area of discipleship and 3. teaching.
I can guess what you’re thinking, “Peggy, that’s too big. You gotta narrow it down a bit or you’ll do nothing.” Believe me, I said that to God. To be honest, I don’t know all of the specifics. I don’t know how the years ahead will look. What grows and grows and won’t stop is this deep hunger to teach people, show people, walk with people in such a way that they really know who God really is. There are many facets to that, but I am jealous for God’s reputation and His name not only because I love Him, but because I know that when people really know Him, they will be surprised, then saved and transformed. He is so good and so worthy… Continue reading “Out of Hiding”
I don’t get out much.
Today all of the necessary things came together for me to mail a package and it was amazing. Here are the laborious steps to such a feat: Find a box. Have an address. Have the money on the same day that I have the ability to borrow a friend’s car, on the same day that I have some free minutes during business hours. Today was just such a magical day.
I told a friend in July that I wanted to send them something specific in the mail. Near the end of August I thought to buy the right box while I was at Target (cheers and high fives!). I already had packing tape because I’m the girl who always forgets about tape when she believes that buying the box at the post office will work fine and now has 3 rolls of packing tape. So the box was ready to be sent sometime in September and today it finally left my possession (high fives and cheers!).
Here’s what else happened. I wanted to check several things off my list, so I brought some photo CDs to send to another friend. I have their address memorized. Check. I had just deposited enough money to send plenty of things. Great. In my minds eye, I felt sure I could buy one of those padded mailers at the post office and THOSE don’t need tape. Good plan…. Continue reading “Errant Errands”
Sometimes I talk really loud. Sometimes I say The Wrong Thing too loud in The Wrong Place.
You probably never do this.
Those of you who walk around using your European voices (that’s what I call it when people speak at quieter decibels), you may not understand that sometimes – just sometimes – my volume control gets all wobbly and turned way up and I don’t notice until it’s too late.
For example, the other day I was hanging out at the pool with some friends. I have friends. There’s this pool. We hung out. No big deal…. Continue reading “Voices Carry”