Pretty Good Year

It’s the day before Christmas Eve, and I’m sitting in my cluttered living room while rain lashes the bushes outside against the glossy, wet windows. Fireplace aglow, presents in a glittery heap, a half knitted sock (that I’ve been working on for a few years, which loses its needles every time I put it away), the book I just finished lies exhaling next to me on the couch.

I’ve started so many posts in the last few months, some of them getting no farther than an intriguing title. There’s plenty to say (always), but how much of it needs to be said here? As 2015 comes to a close, it feels right to make some account for myself, so here is a list of the main events:

January: came to Lynden to work with Rise Campaign.
This was the best start to a new year, though I didn’t know it at the time. Staying connected to YWAM in this low-pressure way, working with kind and passionate people who champion me despite my sometimes excessive lack of productivity… this is the reason I’ve been able to leave survival mode and start tackling the world again…

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It’s not you, it’s me

I have deleted my facebook page! What a relief. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time, but hung on because of this idea I had about Staying Connected. Then I realized real connection was being stifled there, like hunger is dulled, but not truly satisfied by eating candy.

So. Here I am, blogging without announcement. Can you still hear me?

I’ve been writing stuff that I haven’t posted because it all feels too unsure, too experimental. For now I would like to share this poem I wrote on my birthday a few weeks ago.

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Three Big Bites

I was listening to a podcast yesterday wherein the guy speaking was encouraging his audience (a group of students about to go out in teams for a few months of missions work) to be family to each other. He admonished them not to worry if these few months would be their only time together, but to live like family regardless of how long or short they had as a family.

This was timely for me to hear since I’ve been thinking a lot about Home and connection.

After struggling for several months with how to dive into community here, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop worrying about it. I don’t mean I won’t make friends. I have made friends here and I regularly run into more people that I would love to get to know better.
I think what I was really worrying about was capacity. How many people am I actually able to be a friend to? Behind that question was the fear of disappointing others.

Right here and now I’m going to publicly confess that fear, and let it go….

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Midwinter Nights Walk

It was probably close to 50F when I left Jessica’s house a few hours ago intending to come home and possibly read or knit. The walk from Jessica’s to the house I’m staying is short enough that I almost do not have to experience the weather before I am back inside. Thankfully a light breeze caressed my cheek just halfway home and I took the gesture as an invitation to take a walk. In addition to the nearly warm night air, my tummy was very full from some delicious, spicy dish I had just eaten at Jessica’s.
Add to that a head full of questions, prayers and thoughts, and you have the perfect ingredients for a very good, long walk….

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birth is messy

I do not create reality, but here
standing around all physical and fluid
like trees and wet gravel roads and a weighty, rain swelled sky
is the world I am climbing through
not virtual but not entirely believable
undeniable and surreal

How can I presume to act upon this world
press in on living objects
blast out at broken systems?
How should I navigate that kind of heroism?
or stupidity
or soulless duty? and really mean it
How can I balance this moment with eternity?
Love both the world and the person in the room
effectively?…

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