To Build a Home

I‘m grateful to realize that the story I’m about to share has already been shared with several friends in person. Living in Colorado and being so busy has made that a  near impossibility for the last year. I forgot what it was like to get to share a story so many times out loud that it gains something vital in each telling.

To begin, please imagine you hear swelling, dramatic music

I’ll start with age 17 when I felt called to be a missionary. I thought that meant I should go to Bible college and although I didn’t actually need to go to college, God used that year at Moody Bible Institute to work a lot into my life. After failing horribly in my classes and feeling horrible for a good, long year, God led me to an organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). I did a DTS (Discipleship Training School) for 6 months in 2003 and had a real experience in missions. During that time I came to the realization that what I really needed was a real home and community in the USA  from which to be sent.

I had no idea how to find a home, let alone how to become a meaningful part of community….

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Life: Take Two

Sometimes life moves so fast that I feel like I am walking in slow motion. And so it is right now.

Coming to Colorado in January was, what felt like, a huge risk. I even gave myself an “out”… while I felt like God was saying “just try it!” I was saying “Fine! But don’t expect me to like it there”. Which is ridiculous in the extreme. Now that I’ve been back here for around 7 weeks I see how silly and unimaginative my perspective was. Granted, I was struggling with depression and getting to spend time with some of the dearest, best people on the planet.

It is hard to see daylight when you’re huddled up in the dark with good friends. My friends, how I love you.

And what of Colorado? In some ways it’s not so different here at the YWAM base than it was at the camp in Washington. Reach out in any direction and there sits a friend. Look around even just briefly and see ways to help, love and serve.

Now I am again on the verge of something that feels like a huge risk. After praying with and being challenged by a friend the other day, I started moving ahead with one possibility here. The School of Biblical Studies. I’m not sure if I can follow the path of this idea, or if it would even be interesting to read. Mainly I have wanted to do the school for a long time but always felt like I would not be capable of the work required. It’s pretty intense. 9 months of studying the Bible in depth and in entirety….

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Kissing the Day

The sliding glass door in my room faces East. In the morning I wake up before the sun, shower and then, once my roommate is up, I open the curtains. This is just a little before 7am and the world is light, but that hazy, cold light that makes me feel a safe distance from the duties of the day. I set up a cozy little nest on my bed, then and hang out with God for a bit. My mind is sleepy and messy at this point, songs from the day before, moments, phrases, loose threads from the dreams I had in the night… but this time is sort of about letting go of those things and focusing, expressing gratitude, confessing need….

And then the sun makes its ways up the sky in earnest.
As I mentioned above, my room faces East, so as the sun climbs the sky, it peaks over some low hills and  paints itself on the wall next to me in a cheerful orange and then hits my face.

If this happened as a way of waking me up I might find it annoying but, by this time I’ve had my shower and have come to some form of acceptance about being alive for the day. It’s more like a big, happy kiss from the day.

The sun has a lot of ground to cover, so my moment with her is brief.
But awesome.

I just now realized that January is done… Phewf.

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Wherever You Go

Great change is required inside me for there to be great change on the outside.

I don’t think that is an exact quote, but I heard something like this on Sunday and it just came back to me as I was sitting here. I had a photo shoot yesterday with some friends and I was here at the computer to edit them.  I also needed to call someone with YWAM in Colorado to tell them that I will not be coming as soon as I had previously estimated, partially because I am broke.

Confused is a good word to describe how I feel. How much detail should I go into here on the internet?
I think, for one, that it fits with my personality to wrestle with decisions, directions and changes. I just do that. Sometimes I wonder if I overdue this part of the process. On the other hand it’s possible that I need the struggle to somehow prepare me for the eventual change….

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Following Yonder Star

Home is a happy vortex. It’s a little disorienting but awesome.

So far I have been to a Christmas party, a photo shoot, a concert in downtown Seattle (with my friend Sara’s band), a tree decorating, a walk on the rocky, cold beach, some Christmas shopping and now some cookie making. Lots of coffee and conversations about God.

The disorienting part concerns making decisions about how to spend my time…. while the hours keep running. The sun goes up (so I assume by the lightness of the grey outside) and the sun goes down and it keeps happening at seemingly lightning speed. What’s up with that?
How can I do everything I want to do? Must I sleep?

It seems like an impossible math equation that the work I want to do is so far away from the people I belong to.

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On You Mark, Get Set…..

It is, like WAY easier to write a blog post than it is to pare down to what will fit in my car and pack it all.

You know?

So before I dive in today, I thought I would write a post to bolster my courage….

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First lasts

Saturday was my last day working at Starbucks.

I had a good little shift… flowers from my coworkers and a gift card (thank you!)… hugs and then clocking out for the last time.

There wasn’t much time to feel sorry for myself. Not to mention I actually feel really good about having a few weeks off to Get Things Done. I will miss seeing my coworkers and customers on a regular basis, but I will not be sitting around bored.

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Today, for example, I am sorting through the stuff in my room. It’s a mess. But I have music and take breaks for things like editing photos, writing blog posts and eating Jessica’s food….

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Threesday

Writing a note to someone who asked how I was doing, I realized I’m sitting in front of a large group of threes.
3 shifts left at Starbucks (Saturday is my last day working there)
3 years is how long I have worked at Starbucks
3 weeks until I leave for Colorado (I’m shooting for September 10th)
3 months of being a student in a YWAM school (called The School of Missions Communication)
33 is my age
3:30 is when I have to be at work today
$3,000 is how much money I will need for the 3 months of school

I like this kind of list because it makes me feel like stuff is important and meaningful in a way that is bigger than me.
Does that even make sense?

What are the 3’s happening in your life?

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