I remember years ago that I felt like I was being deconstructed. Lately it’s much more like aggressive demolition.
How do I explain that?
Here is the interesting juxtaposition happening… reading through New Testament letters- all of them eloquently hammering home the reality that Jesus is enough. Jesus is the final word on what God thinks of me. I cannot earn His love. I don’t have to. I have His love. Book after book, page after page, this point is being shouted…..
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation — if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. (Colossians 1:21-23NIV)
Nestled right up in this studying about God’s crazy, once-for-all grace is what is happening inside of me. Lately I have been extremely, excessively, absolutely aware of how deep my sin goes. It’s not just bad stuff I’ve done in the past or bad stuff I may do in the future… it’s something deeply rooted in my character. It’s like I was digging and digging, hanging out with God, praying, reading the Bible and BANG, my spiritual shovel hit hard against some horribly huge, locked metal box. It’s an uncharacteristic (so I thought) unwillingness to do the right thing or let my heart be moved.
I’m unbelievably tired.
At the same time all of it feels “right”. I mean, it feels horrible to have this constant awareness of my failings, but because it is happening while I’m walking along with the unstoppable, irreplaceable gospel of Jesus it’s actually kind of perfect. If I were not so consistently pouring over Paul’s words about the reality of God’s final Word about me in Jesus I might be tempted to crawl in some hole and cover myself in a blanket of dirt.
I realize how dramatic that sounds, but do you know what I mean?
The reality about us humans is that we’re still just infants in the universe. I would never expect a toddler to know how to drive a car or budget the household finances. But as they start to grow, there are painful moments when they have to be taught to share, taught that they don’t get everything they want and that, though they are absolutely, unconditionally loved, it would not be healthy or good for them to stay as they are forever.
So while the God of the universe is taking a sledgehammer to that huge hardened part of my heart, He’s telling me about what beautiful things He will replace it with.
It’s gonna be good.