I feel a bit sad and overwhelmed today.

Looking for the healthiest actions to take, I thought I could start with that confession and and then maybe some other things that should be said.

I was in a car accident Wednesday morning, on my way to Stanwood to meet with one of my pastors. We were going to talk about my current spiritual crisis and I 

was going to ask for his advice about various other pieces of dissonance within and around me.
But then I crashed. Specifically, while heading south, trying to avoid something going on in the northbound lane, I got my wheel hooked on the side of the road and this got my car swinging wildly out of my control, which sent me flying at a spin into that northbound lane full of cars.

Picturing this now to describe it gives me this achy tightness in my chest…

It took me several hours to fully understand that I was the direct cause of three totaled cars (mine included) and three dazed, neck aching people (myself included). If I’d comprehended this sooner, I would have apologized to those other drivers who, without the benefit of being inside of my car and head, just saw some crazy lady smash into them.

“What have you had to drink today, ma’am?”

If only I could replay my thoughts, it would all be clear that I was totally alert and trying to be safe, but that I chose wrong and then my car betrayed me.

So. Traffic ticket, emergency room, smashed car, neck brace, missed classes and homework. It piles on top of the things I was heading down to talk to my pastor concerning.

There is a lot to be grateful for. The friend that picked me up and took me to the hospital had exactly the right knowledge, experience, wisdom and advice for that day. She also happens to know me well enough that I hardly had to look at her and she knew what I needed. Friday, another friend with his own wealth of kindness, knowledge, and generosity drove me to take care of the last rites on my mangled car.

There are more friends, and more moments to recount. Whatever struggles I have, I am not alone.

Nevertheless things are a bigger mess than one week ago, and I’ve had a couple of good cries in response to that mess. There are embers of hope burning, and I’m looking for those tonight as I sit in my darkening apartment. Tomorrow is a new day.

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