I float in and out of thinking, distraction, sleep, bad dreams and mundane activity.
I’ve formed this weird habit of not talking to people about stuff. Talking to friends about the things I’m wrestling with is like having nice hand rails for a rickety, floating bridge. Not talking sends me adrift, or maybe I just hang out on one rotting rung because I can’t see the way forward. Questions echo in my mind without reply. And then suddenly I’m confessing my sins to the checker at Haggen after she asks, “Did you find everything alright?”
The world seems to be moving more quickly now and I feel like I have to butt in to have conversation, or it’s selfish, or too intense. Maybe that’s why we all have blogs, so we can confess without really asking anyone if they’re willing to listen. Then it gets harder to believe anyone actually is.
Note to self: talk to my friends about stuff…
This morning I was pondering the fact that I’ve never really made life goals. When I was in High School I couldn’t picture what it would look like to be an adult. I didn’t have aspirations. This could have been part practicality- “How do I know now what I will enjoy and be good at?” But I think another piece of it was fear, “What if I fail miserably after wanting something too much?”
Being super go-with-the-flow is also part of my personality. It has led to some exhilarating adventures and a few soul crushing mistakes. Should I try to be a better planner or just keep going with the flow?
“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.” – Henry David Thoreau
Today I wrote a list of life goals. The first is very basic and nearly accomplished (get paid for taking photographs and writing), but each successive goal is more challenging (make enough money to support myself, save and give) and the last one is something epic about changing the world for the better.
So I have that if I need it.
What about you? What have you been holding on to that needs to come out? What’s next on your list of life goals?