I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not always a wise investment if it means skipping the present, but for a slow processor like myself, a certain amount of time spent in my head is necessary. I don’t think it negates trust or robs Being Present. Lately trying to avoid thoughts of the future have only made me cranky.
Last night I had a really disturbing dream. This huge eel was threatening to hurt me and then I did get hurt (although some other way) and I suddenly had this fountain of blood shooting out of my foot. The blood looked like tomato soup. In fact, in the midst of my anxiety over the eel and the blood I thought, “Wow, they could use tomato soup for blood in movies. This looks so much like tomato soup.” I woke up while trying to squeeze the wound spot to make the blood/soup stop. BAM 5:30am and my toe, at the end of the bed, was pounding with my heartbeat.
What does this have to do with the future? I don’t know. Something threatening, a gushing wound. That tomato soup thing fits me, too because I do tend to have the most random thoughts whilst going through crisis….
So what am I avoiding thinking about? Well, it has been obvious since the school started that I MUST teach. Teaching is what I must do. It wasn’t until after realizing this purpose that I started to notice a few cool things.
1.) People listen to me. I don’t know why. Many people have said I’m good communicator but I don’t actually hear what causes them to say this. I do know that I have had many refining relationships in my life that have led me to study and practice communicating. Since there are the words I think and then there are the words you hear, I have spent a lot of time looking for the shortest distance between my mouth and your ear, so to speak.
Communication skills is one and 2.) I love speaking in front of people. It’s not narcissism, either, it’s like… well… since I don’t know what you are good at, it’s hard for me to make a personalized metaphor. I have a good singing voice that is strong and, when warmed up, pretty effortless. When I sing it feels good. It gives me joy because it expresses who I am somehow. I’m surprised to feel that same joy of expression while speaking in front of people because I’ve always been more of a one on one conversationalist… or at least no more than 3 other people. I usually feel like bigger groups lack vital connection. I’ve discovered recently that I can actually connect with a large group of people… connect and communicate.
I’ve also discovered, while studying the Bible so in depth, that I have a lot to say. I can suddenly see my own context and the larger context of living… the things that make us human and human for a reason. The why of my existence along with the bigger why of existing for humanity. Not like a tidy religious package, as you might assume, but… well… I’ll talk more about that in my next post.
The wrestling I’m doing with the future is that, for the first time in my life I am dreaming big and feeling expectant. For the first time in my life I see my purpose and this makes me not want to stop or slow down at all. Just before I started this Bible course in March, God gave me some verses which have been like an anchor and like the shimmering horizon I head toward;
I will give you the treasures of darkness
and the hoards in secret places,
that you may know that it is I, the LORD,
the God of Israel, who call you by your name.
For the sake of my servant Jacob,
and Israel my chosen,
I call you by your name,
I name you, though you do not know me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other,
besides me there is no God;
I equip you, though you do not know me,
that people may know, from the rising of the sun
and from the west, that there is none besides me;
I am the LORD, and there is no other.
(Isaiah 45:3-6 ESV)
What will happen after I graduate in December? I don’t know. But it will involve knowing God and making him known.