For a while now I have been feeling… for lack of a better word… desperate. This isn’t the only thing I’ve been feeling but it has been a pervasive emotion. This morning I woke up early, my will overpowering the desire I had to just keep sleeping and while I was going about my usual routine to get ready I was mentally standing before God with my shoulders bowed and my hands lifted up.
“Help me, God.”
“Be here, God.”
This prayer to ask God to “be here” is a little funny because where is he not? Every time I pray this (and I pray it a lot), I end up amending my prayer to say, “God, give me the grace to be here with you.”….
It’s really simple, right? There’s no ladder to climb. There’s nothing I can prove to God but it’s amazing how this is not ingrained in me so much as I have to constantly remind myself. There is no one better at this reality of dependance, no one worse… it’s just all of us waking up in the morning and choosing to be present with God or choosing to not be. God always choosing us.
(I don’t think he is like the Labrador you failed to take for a walk today- pouting, hurt, pawing at your knee. He is the creator of the universe- always full of love, always complete in himself without us, but always available.
These days I feel like the Labrador at his feet, but I know from past experience that he doesn’t see me as his dog. I am his girl.)
When this hunger makes itself known… and I mean when I choose to look at the thing that is always there… I feel what C.S. Lewis called an “inconsolable longing.” Not that I cannot have God now, but that having him leads to wanting more. Always more. But it’s not a horrible addiction that is unsatisfying. In fact it is, surprisingly, the most satisfying state of longing that I know.
So even as I may wake up many mornings feeling so tired and weak, lifting up my eyes to God with some pitiful desperation, I simultaneously feel him there. Like the word hosanna which Christians use as a declaration of God’s glory, but is actually Hebrew for “help,” or “save, I pray.”
There is married within the prayer a please and a thank you.
I need You here- I know You’re here.