I’m only sleeping

I find myself feeling empty a lot. Empty feels like a lot of other emotions but when someone asks me “What’s wrong?” and I can’t place why I feel tired/sad/lonely/frustrated/angry… I realize I am empty of energy.

Why am I so empty? I can think of several reasons. One is a lack of exercise. Since coming back to Colorado I haven’t worked out once. I took a much needed rest from routine but at some point rest begins to weaken me. Reason two is lack of sleep. It’s not that I go to bed so late, but I do go to bed late and then I don’t sleep very well. I wake up with very little time in the morning to breath and realize why I’m grateful to be alive before I head into a new and confusing job….
The last and biggest reason I am empty is that I haven’t really been taking time to get alone before God. I realized that this morning during group worship. I felt so raw and kept thinking “If I could just do this alone…” and then I thought “Well, why didn’t you?! You had time but did not take it!”
This is not about beating myself up so much as trying to wake myself up. Wake up, Peggy!! Be about your life! Live! Stop walking around like a zombie with no purpose!

That is the plan. To wake up and do what’s good for me so that I have the energy to engage in life.

On the brighter side, although I often feel confused in my new job as lunch cook,  I really like it. I like the people and the task and I know that once I get into the swing of it, it will be a blast.  I remember being the baker at Warm Beach Camp and taking so much joy in simply preparing food for people. And people do enjoy being fed!
The other piece is that so many people here are really kind to me and genuinely glad I am here. Today someone told me they had heard a lot of good things about me- that I’m “the real deal”. While I don’t know what that actually means, I do appreciate the nice words and the welcome I’m receiving. Since people are one of my favorites on this planet, I feel happy when they like me.

January is nearly over. I’m extremely grateful that the sun shows its face every day here in Colorado Springs. Although it’s chilly, I have the sliding glass door open right now, letting in the fresh air. I keep expecting snow but then the clouds blow over and the blue sky reigns once again. I won’t complain.

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