The two week break from school is nearly over.
I can’t say that it’s been a bad time, but it also has not been the best. I think the worst part was really all in my head. I have this great excuse of the Waldo Canyon fire but I don’t know that it’s really the culprit.
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Somehow I avoided doing the one thing I really needed to do most- rest. In part I avoided this by accident. I thought it would come when I spent some days house sitting for friends… watching movies, reading books, cooking in a real kitchen, drinking coffee and taking naps. That’s what I really wanted to do. Then I thought I would come back home and spend the second week organizing my stuff (which had gotten out of control during the last quarter of school), read by the pool, swim in the pool… maybe even go to the movie theater a few times…
Some of these things did happen. I saw a few movies, read some, did some organizing… but also? I did a lot of worrying. This really did start with the fire. I was worried about how close the fire was to some of my most precious possessions… worried about how I would pay to replace them. Since then I can’t stop worrying about money.
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I ran into my friend Christian yesterday and he was surprised to see that I looked even more tired than the last time he’d seen me (in the midst of last minute school stress). I love it when my friends are honest with me. After telling me I looked worse, he encouraged me with a story and then prayed for me.
I admit that I let the worry and stress stick around far too long.
Today felt like a bit of a turning point. I called a friend from home that I haven’t talked to in a while and that was really grounding. Then I napped. Then God did His thing by making it pour rain- such a beautiful change from the last few weeks of dry and close to 100F.
As I type, the cool evening air is drifting in, along with the smell of wet grass. I’m grateful. Grateful that even when I act like a fool, when I worry as if I haven’t seen God lovingly provide again and again and again, when I complain about not getting my way… even then, God is still good and faithful. More and more I know this. More and more this understanding is there even when my feelings hitchhike into amnesia via exhaustion.
This understanding whispers to me “hang on… just wait… it’s going to be alright.” And when the wave of anxiety ebbs, all the abundance I suspected takes its place.