Sometimes life moves so fast that I feel like I am walking in slow motion. And so it is right now.
Coming to Colorado in January was, what felt like, a huge risk. I even gave myself an “out”… while I felt like God was saying “just try it!” I was saying “Fine! But don’t expect me to like it there”. Which is ridiculous in the extreme. Now that I’ve been back here for around 7 weeks I see how silly and unimaginative my perspective was. Granted, I was struggling with depression and getting to spend time with some of the dearest, best people on the planet.
It is hard to see daylight when you’re huddled up in the dark with good friends. My friends, how I love you.
And what of Colorado? In some ways it’s not so different here at the YWAM base than it was at the camp in Washington. Reach out in any direction and there sits a friend. Look around even just briefly and see ways to help, love and serve.
Now I am again on the verge of something that feels like a huge risk. After praying with and being challenged by a friend the other day, I started moving ahead with one possibility here. The School of Biblical Studies. I’m not sure if I can follow the path of this idea, or if it would even be interesting to read. Mainly I have wanted to do the school for a long time but always felt like I would not be capable of the work required. It’s pretty intense. 9 months of studying the Bible in depth and in entirety….
Because I have felt lately that the big Reset Button on my life has been hit somehow, I see parallels everywhere. And so I look ahead at the possibility of intense schooling and back at my time at Moody Bible Institute. I went to Moody because I felt called to be a missionary and thought college was mandatory for the task (another long story). I was scared of past failures being repeated (academically) but took the leap because I trusted God. I proceeded to fail in a spectacular fashion while at the same time building amazing relationships with other students.
I honestly would not trade that experience- including the painful struggle I went through, not just after failing (and being kicked out) but the classroom/homework stuff that helped me enter into hours of depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.
You’d think I would be more afraid now but the school I did last fall showed me some important things about my dark inner reaction to the kind of stress school activates. I saw how it was possible to push through that and finish things.
Does it mean I will have the mental muscles to make it through 9 months of school? I don’t know. But I also don’t think that it’s the most important part of this next challenge. What I want most, and the reason I have wanted to do this school has nothing to do with academic success and has everything to do with soaking in, pouring over and wrestling with what God has to say about Himself in that old and controversial book.
At least, I’m going to apply to the school. It costs a lot of money I don’t have and a lot has to be done in the two weeks before the school starts. That’s right. I said two weeks.