I used to write poetry and now I write to-do lists. I used to go with the flow and now I keep a calendar.
It’s not that I have lost my soul to the daily grind. Just the opposite, actually. I have discovered a motivation that surpasses my melancholy or my desire to always be comfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not so fundamentally different that my desk is now always tidy. I still wrestle with life and try to take time to think about the why’s behind action and existence. I still feel like I’m in a foggy dream for at least an hour after I get out of bed, and I still get ideas stuck in my head that poke at my guts until I give them words. My identity as a daydreamer is intact….
It’s just that I found a huge piece of what I was always looking for and daydreaming about. It could sound cheesy. What I was looking for was a kind of love and satisfaction in living that I have actually discovered with God. How did I get there? What does it consist of? I think the deepest piece of this kind of peace comes from really believing and trusting in God’s absolute goodness and love.
It doesn’t mean that he always does what I want, or that I have attained perfection and always do what He wants. I used to read daily devotionals about trusting God and I just felt bad afterward. “I want that, God! Why don’t I trust you like I should?”
When I look back, I see how definitive pain has been. How, when those things happened that everyone says, “I couldn’t handle if that happened to me,” they happened and I found myself cradled in the arms of the maker of the Universe.
Even though he sees all things and has an absolutely other perspective, he did not stand cold and distant from my loss. He didn’t say, “Peggy, you are a speck in eternity and your pain is temporary.” He did not simply stand silent. Nope. Instead he showered me in peace and his presence. He led me forward and gave me grief, not to cripple me but as a gift to help me cope. He gave his guidance as a way to get up in the morning and a continued healing that I never once deserved.
When I turn to him he meets me with compassion and humor, and when I don’t turn to him he gently reminds me of how much better it will be if I do. When I thought that following him was about white knuckle obedience, he showed me that obedience was about loving him and letting him love me, about taking his hand and loving others like he loves them.
I don’t revisit painful situations in my life because I am morbidly attached to them, I do it because I am completely unmade by how God showed up and walked with me through those things. I really am just a speck in eternity, but he treats me like I am his favorite daughter.
So how does this lead me to keep calendars and write to-do lists? You know that feeling of joy you get when a long held dream comes true or when you suddenly notice how shockingly beautiful the evening sky can be? Maybe it’s like being “in love.” That kind of overwhelming loyalty and passion that comes from that in-love feeling is what I walk around in, without the fear of loss or jealousy attached.
There is a song in my heart which must be shared and I keep a calendar because sharing that song will keep me the best kind of busy for the rest of my life.