About a year and a half ago God totally blew the lid off of my hopes and dreams for the future. At that point he told me I wasn’t dreaming big enough and when I examined what I’d been “dreaming” of, I realized this was absolutely true. Without thinking it through, I was just putting one foot in front of the other and looking for ways to come alongside others in their dreams.
Honestly, a bit of that is good because I really still have a heart to see other people walk in their calling and purpose, but what God was leading me to see was that He had something specifically for me that was way beyond what I’d ever considered.
As last year progressed three things appeared to be a part of that dream, 1. the whole world, 2. every area of discipleship and 3. teaching.
I can guess what you’re thinking, “Peggy, that’s too big. You gotta narrow it down a bit or you’ll do nothing.” Believe me, I said that to God. To be honest, I don’t know all of the specifics. I don’t know how the years ahead will look. What grows and grows and won’t stop is this deep hunger to teach people, show people, walk with people in such a way that they really know who God really is. There are many facets to that, but I am jealous for God’s reputation and His name not only because I love Him, but because I know that when people really know Him, they will be surprised, then saved and transformed. He is so good and so worthy…
So that’s the dream, but what has happened since realizing this? Well, I finished the School of Biblical Studies and was invited to come back as staff for the next school. I wasn’t totally sure if it was the right next step, but I did know that it would give me a place to practice teaching and a great environment for discipling students as they study the Bible.
Most of this year has been very challenging. The kind of challenging that comes from greater responsibility and leads to greater capacity. For much of the challenge, I have been clinging to God with all of my might.
But then? Then, for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, I began more and more to hide away in my free time. For the past few months I have been hiding when I’m not working (i.e., watching a lot of tv shows). It doesn’t equal total failure, but I’ll tell you what, my motivation to be here, my passion for what I’m called to do has been in very short supply.
It’s been the last week that God has been bringing this to my attention. Yesterday I listened to a podcast about how to have peace and when the speaker talked about loving God I just wept, realizing that with all of this work that key thing is what I have neglected.
Then today I went up to Denver for the Acts 1 Conference, an event created for YWAMers all over Colorado to get together and seek God. It was there that my heart went from a place of brokenness over my failure to longing. Then someone got to the mic and suggested that we take the worship song we were singing and imagine taking Jesus’ face into our hands to sing it to him right up close. It was in that moment of gazing into the face of my beloved that I remembered. I went from longing to loving and I remembered why I never have to hide again- because no matter how ugly or broken or foolish I am, when I gaze into His face I am only- always- loved and loving. He hadn’t lost my love, but I had.
The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know, but when I forget this very simple and vital truth, friend, will you remind me? Will you ask, “Peggy, have you gazed into the face of your beloved today?” I am so, so grateful for this refocusing, and I’m so sorry that it took me so many months to remember.