Growth is painful. I attest to this.
Do I have to ask whether it is worth it?
Would I change the things I have gone through if I had the choice? This question has always bothered me a little. I wouldn’t want to boil down my hard times to one or two “why”s. Oh, THIS is why that happened. I don’t want to do that because it seems to limit the ripple effect of growth.
Today a friend payed me a high compliment by saying that he enjoys how honest I am with myself… not just honest to others about who I am, but honest with myself about who I am. After he said this I considered how it would be if I did otherwise… or rather, how it is when I do otherwise. I constantly come back to the reality that I must always live with myself. I cannot get away from me, no matter what I do or where I go. I am with myself when I wake up in the morning, at my side all day, and then, still there when I lay down to sleep at night…..
I think this very fact leads many people to lie to themselves… to only see part of who they are and what they do. It’s not so fun to see your own ugly places.
Other people live out of those ugly places… suspicious of love from others because they feel they are absolutely not worth the (extreme) effort it takes to love them.
But you know what I want most? I want to love and be loved. For real. I don’t want to fake it and I don’t want to fear that others are faking it. So I am a bit more willing to be honest with myself. But that isn’t just about examining the ugly places and telling the truth about them… What I have been pondering the last week or more is that this honest look must also involve accepting the ways that I am beautiful and letting those parts of me shine. It’s almost embarrassing how difficult that is. The inability to do this has, in the past, caused me to freeze up, shrink back, put up defenses- because … hmmmmm…
That is a good question.
Normally I would expound on this before asking you for feedback, but tonight I am really not sure of the answer. Why do we believe the negative things people say more than the positive? Why are we so afraid of being lovable?
Let me ask you, why do you hold back your beauty?