Faith Part 1: Outer Space

We’re all trying very hard.

Growing up we believe what we’re told, or we rebel against it because faith costs more than it appears to be worth. Nevertheless we wrestle. We make “I’ll nevers” for ourselves and “He’d nevers” for God.

This plus that equals another thing.

We’re creating math equations of existence with only a few digits, a few thousand denominations. God must be and yet… who is he?

I go spinning, like those horrifying movies set in outer space. Bouncing slowly along the outside of the ship to batten down some hatch, tethered by a life line. Then a meteor comes, some shift in the weightless darkness, and a man who used to be a boy, or a woman who used to be a little girl, goes spinning. Spinning forever into the coldest, darkest nothing. No air, no ground, no more going inside where it’s safe….

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Crisis of Faith

What is a crisis of faith? To me a crisis of faith is any time anything (circumstances, ideas, people, desires, etc) challenges my current beliefs. When my beliefs are challenged I must wrestle with all of it and either see how the challenge really does work inside of what I believe or I have to adjust my beliefs.

It sounds pretty basic, but it’s hardly ever a fun experience.

I remember once I was sitting in a shared room with my friend Jessica. We were on vacation, we were young and we were up super late talking about the mysteries of the Universe, or men, or both. At some point one of us suggested, “What if we don’t actually exist?” What followed was both frightening and hilarious (in retrospect). Both of us could almost feel the floor of the room slide away revealing a black, sucking chasm beneath us. Although it couldn’t have actually happened this way, my memory shows the situation to me like we were both actually hanging onto the beds for dear life as the room rocked back and forth and objects began to disappear….

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For What It’s Worth

Where does our value come from? I have seen a couple of posts on facebook today that posit that we have value if we value others.

For myself, I have often felt as though my only worth came from what I did for other people or how much I could “produce.” This has been made more pronounced by the fact that I grew up in a pretty works-oriented church and have always had close friends who were REALLY organized and productive. My mom is the first born of 7 and loves to clean and raise her hand when responsibilities are needing filled at church. Most of my best friends over the years have been efficient, get-er-done kind of women. Since I do not operate that way (I’m very relational but not very productive) I have always felt something lacking within myself….

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Do We Matter?

This last week in class we talked about personality and team dynamics. Along with that conversation we all shared our Myers Briggs scores.

I posted about this in the past and it’s interesting to come back to the question of introvert vs. extrovert.

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This time when I read the descriptions of INFP and ENFP I strongly identified with both. Looking at famous people with these two types, I see that the extroverts are journalists and revolutionaries and the introverts are poets and theologians.

I have the real need to artistically explore and express my inner self as well as radically change and influence the the outer world. Coupling these “needs” with my previous post that what we believe about God matters, I am left feeling an urgency to study and discover. We all know that the world is not as it should be, but what needs to be dealt with and how does it need to be handled? Can one person change the world? If you think about people like Paul the Apostle or Darwin, Alexander the Great or Martin Luther King Jr. it’s clear that a single person can impact societies and generations of people….

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What Matters Most

The speaker for our class last week started out her time by asking the class for introductions. She asked where they were from, what they were passionate about and one thing they’ve learned so far during the school.

This question, “What are you passionate about?” is a good one and although I have looked at various branches of my passion and tried to articulate these things well, I had not come to the direct point until the other day. I think what helped me with this was that the speaker said, “You’re not allowed to say, ‘Jesus.’ We’re all here because we’re passionate about Jesus.” She was right, of course.  I never felt like this answer was a cop-out because it is true of me, but being forced to find a more specific way to express myself  was enlightening….

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Burnout For Jesus

I felt a call to be a missionary when I was 17yrs old. It started with a concert put on by an organization called Operation Mobilization. I read a book written by the guy leading the organization (George Verwer) and I started filling out an application to join them. It was part way through the application that my heart sunk right to the floor…

They wanted to know if I’d ever struggled with depression.

Bummer. I had and I did.

At that point I actually allowed the question to stop me from moving forward. I can’t remember if I thought I might ‘get better’ and be able to apply later on or if I just lost hope in fulfilling this great calling.

Four years later I went to Bible college for a year because I thought maybe this would be the preparation that I needed to finally become a missionary. Unfortunately, I didn’t do very well academically. The only class that I passed the second semester of my freshman year was Christian Missions. It was in that Christian Missions class that I began to understand a little bit more about what missions might actually mean… but it was a strange lesson. A few books I read informed me about the experience of past missionaries; From Jerusalem to Iryin Jaya, Bruchko, Perspectives on the World Christian Movement, and a book that pertains to ministry, A Man Called Peter. There were others, but these are the ones that stick out to me….

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With Feeling

Every once in a while I imagine I can reach higher than I’m meant to on my own.

Yesterday in worship we were singing something about God’s glory coming down to us. Sometimes I worry that what we’re all looking for is just a feeling… just the power and not the person. So I was praying something really spiritual to God about wanting what he wants more than I want to have an experience… I want his real presence more than I want to just feel something. Maybe that’s not all that spiritual, but it was heartfelt enough.

Usually when I ask God for something I will automatically picture what it could look like for him to answer ‘yes’ to my prayer. Sometimes the picture I get causes me to modify my prayer.
And so as I pictured what it could look like to not feel God’s presence or experience him somehow with my senses, I realized that although it could prove I had a lot of faith, it would require a lot of grace from him to live that way. I’m just human and I am strongly influenced by my emotions and experiences. The truth is I do want to feel God’s presence, I do want to know he is near with my senses and I do trust him when I don’t feel him.

We love you God! Thank you for loving us. You know better than we do what we need! Help us to know you better today.

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What to Expect

Without planning it, my room decor and bedding all match. I noticed this as soon as I cleaned up a little.

Maybe there will be surprises like this around other corners.

It’s not that I put a lot of stock in the much anticipated new year. They happen with increasing frequency. What I do put stock in is God’s character, which I have recently discovered to be wild, deep, loving and fearless. I want to be like him, sure, but more than that I want to just keep seeing him more and more. And somehow the year ahead feels like a clean canvas upon which he will paint something beautiful….

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The Unknown God

This post was birthed in the last, but when I finished writing this bit I realized it deserved its own place. Jumping off of thoughts about what might be next, I got caught up in what God is doing in the present to reveal himself.

I’ve discovered, while studying the Bible so in depth, that I have a lot to say. I can suddenly see my own context and the larger context of living… the things that make us human and human for a reason. The why of my existence along with the bigger why of existing for humanity. Not like a tidy religious package, as you might assume, but… well… It’s like Love, for example. Everyone has their perspective on love. When we spend too much time immersed in media and fake intimacy then we stop craving anything deeper,  so to others looking in on ‘media lovers’,  love looks cheap – because it is. It doesn’t cost anything. Others spend time learning that love is a list of rules, lines to not cross, words to not say and so their love might actually look like hate to others because ‘rule lovers’ have taken the idea of preferring the other person and turned it into correcting the other person. There are many other ways to look at love, my point isn’t to point out failures but to give an example of something really big that can be made small….

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Future Tripping

I‘ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not always a wise investment if it means skipping the present, but for a slow processor like myself, a certain amount of time spent in my head is necessary. I don’t think it negates trust or robs Being Present. Lately trying to avoid thoughts of the future have only made me cranky.

Last night I had a really disturbing dream. This huge eel was threatening to hurt me and then I did get hurt (although some other way) and I suddenly had this fountain of blood shooting out of my foot.  The blood looked like tomato soup. In fact, in the midst of my anxiety over the eel and the blood I thought, “Wow, they could use tomato soup for blood in movies. This looks so much like tomato soup.” I woke up while trying to squeeze the wound spot to make the blood/soup stop. BAM 5:30am and my toe, at the end of the bed, was pounding with my heartbeat.

What does this have to do with the future? I don’t know. Something threatening, a gushing wound. That tomato soup thing fits me, too because I do tend to have the most random thoughts whilst going through crisis….

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