We’re all trying very hard.
Growing up we believe what we’re told, or we rebel against it because faith costs more than it appears to be worth. Nevertheless we wrestle. We make “I’ll nevers” for ourselves and “He’d nevers” for God.
This plus that equals another thing.
We’re creating math equations of existence with only a few digits, a few thousand denominations. God must be and yet… who is he?
I go spinning, like those horrifying movies set in outer space. Bouncing slowly along the outside of the ship to batten down some hatch, tethered by a life line. Then a meteor comes, some shift in the weightless darkness, and a man who used to be a boy, or a woman who used to be a little girl, goes spinning. Spinning forever into the coldest, darkest nothing. No air, no ground, no more going inside where it’s safe…. Continue reading “Faith Part 1: Outer Space”
What is a crisis of faith? To me a crisis of faith is any time anything (circumstances, ideas, people, desires, etc) challenges my current beliefs. When my beliefs are challenged I must wrestle with all of it and either see how the challenge really does work inside of what I believe or I have to adjust my beliefs.
It sounds pretty basic, but it’s hardly ever a fun experience.
I remember once I was sitting in a shared room with my friend Jessica. We were on vacation, we were young and we were up super late talking about the mysteries of the Universe, or men, or both. At some point one of us suggested, “What if we don’t actually exist?” What followed was both frightening and hilarious (in retrospect). Both of us could almost feel the floor of the room slide away revealing a black, sucking chasm beneath us. Although it couldn’t have actually happened this way, my memory shows the situation to me like we were both actually hanging onto the beds for dear life as the room rocked back and forth and objects began to disappear…. Continue reading “Crisis of Faith”
Where does our value come from? I have seen a couple of posts on facebook today that posit that we have value if we value others.
For myself, I have often felt as though my only worth came from what I did for other people or how much I could “produce.” This has been made more pronounced by the fact that I grew up in a pretty works-oriented church and have always had close friends who were REALLY organized and productive. My mom is the first born of 7 and loves to clean and raise her hand when responsibilities are needing filled at church. Most of my best friends over the years have been efficient, get-er-done kind of women. Since I do not operate that way (I’m very relational but not very productive) I have always felt something lacking within myself…. Continue reading “For What It’s Worth”
This last week in class we talked about personality and team dynamics. Along with that conversation we all shared our Myers Briggs scores.
I posted about this in the past and it’s interesting to come back to the question of introvert vs. extrovert.
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This time when I read the descriptions of INFP and ENFP I strongly identified with both. Looking at famous people with these two types, I see that the extroverts are journalists and revolutionaries and the introverts are poets and theologians.
I have the real need to artistically explore and express my inner self as well as radically change and influence the the outer world. Coupling these “needs” with my previous post that what we believe about God matters, I am left feeling an urgency to study and discover. We all know that the world is not as it should be, but what needs to be dealt with and how does it need to be handled? Can one person change the world? If you think about people like Paul the Apostle or Darwin, Alexander the Great or Martin Luther King Jr. it’s clear that a single person can impact societies and generations of people…. Continue reading “Do We Matter?”
The speaker for our class last week started out her time by asking the class for introductions. She asked where they were from, what they were passionate about and one thing they’ve learned so far during the school.
This question, “What are you passionate about?” is a good one and although I have looked at various branches of my passion and tried to articulate these things well, I had not come to the direct point until the other day. I think what helped me with this was that the speaker said, “You’re not allowed to say, ‘Jesus.’ We’re all here because we’re passionate about Jesus.” She was right, of course. I never felt like this answer was a cop-out because it is true of me, but being forced to find a more specific way to express myself was enlightening…. Continue reading “What Matters Most”
I felt a call to be a missionary when I was 17yrs old. It started with a concert put on by an organization called Operation Mobilization. I read a book written by the guy leading the organization (George Verwer) and I started filling out an application to join them. It was part way through the application that my heart sunk right to the floor…
They wanted to know if I’d ever struggled with depression.
Bummer. I had and I did.
At that point I actually allowed the question to stop me from moving forward. I can’t remember if I thought I might ‘get better’ and be able to apply later on or if I just lost hope in fulfilling this great calling.
Four years later I went to Bible college for a year because I thought maybe this would be the preparation that I needed to finally become a missionary. Unfortunately, I didn’t do very well academically. The only class that I passed the second semester of my freshman year was Christian Missions. It was in that Christian Missions class that I began to understand a little bit more about what missions might actually mean… but it was a strange lesson. A few books I read informed me about the experience of past missionaries; From Jerusalem to Iryin Jaya, Bruchko, Perspectives on the World Christian Movement, and a book that pertains to ministry, A Man Called Peter. There were others, but these are the ones that stick out to me…. Continue reading “Burnout For Jesus”
Every once in a while I imagine I can reach higher than I’m meant to on my own.
Yesterday in worship we were singing something about God’s glory coming down to us. Sometimes I worry that what we’re all looking for is just a feeling… just the power and not the person. So I was praying something really spiritual to God about wanting what he wants more than I want to have an experience… I want his real presence more than I want to just feel something. Maybe that’s not all that spiritual, but it was heartfelt enough.
Usually when I ask God for something I will automatically picture what it could look like for him to answer ‘yes’ to my prayer. Sometimes the picture I get causes me to modify my prayer.
And so as I pictured what it could look like to not feel God’s presence or experience him somehow with my senses, I realized that although it could prove I had a lot of faith, it would require a lot of grace from him to live that way. I’m just human and I am strongly influenced by my emotions and experiences. The truth is I do want to feel God’s presence, I do want to know he is near with my senses and I do trust him when I don’t feel him.
We love you God! Thank you for loving us. You know better than we do what we need! Help us to know you better today.
Without planning it, my room decor and bedding all match. I noticed this as soon as I cleaned up a little.
Maybe there will be surprises like this around other corners.
It’s not that I put a lot of stock in the much anticipated new year. They happen with increasing frequency. What I do put stock in is God’s character, which I have recently discovered to be wild, deep, loving and fearless. I want to be like him, sure, but more than that I want to just keep seeing him more and more. And somehow the year ahead feels like a clean canvas upon which he will paint something beautiful…. Continue reading “What to Expect”
This post was birthed in the last, but when I finished writing this bit I realized it deserved its own place. Jumping off of thoughts about what might be next, I got caught up in what God is doing in the present to reveal himself.
I’ve discovered, while studying the Bible so in depth, that I have a lot to say. I can suddenly see my own context and the larger context of living… the things that make us human and human for a reason. The why of my existence along with the bigger why of existing for humanity. Not like a tidy religious package, as you might assume, but… well… It’s like Love, for example. Everyone has their perspective on love. When we spend too much time immersed in media and fake intimacy then we stop craving anything deeper, so to others looking in on ‘media lovers’, love looks cheap – because it is. It doesn’t cost anything. Others spend time learning that love is a list of rules, lines to not cross, words to not say and so their love might actually look like hate to others because ‘rule lovers’ have taken the idea of preferring the other person and turned it into correcting the other person. There are many other ways to look at love, my point isn’t to point out failures but to give an example of something really big that can be made small…. Continue reading “The Unknown God”
I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. Not always a wise investment if it means skipping the present, but for a slow processor like myself, a certain amount of time spent in my head is necessary. I don’t think it negates trust or robs Being Present. Lately trying to avoid thoughts of the future have only made me cranky.
Last night I had a really disturbing dream. This huge eel was threatening to hurt me and then I did get hurt (although some other way) and I suddenly had this fountain of blood shooting out of my foot. The blood looked like tomato soup. In fact, in the midst of my anxiety over the eel and the blood I thought, “Wow, they could use tomato soup for blood in movies. This looks so much like tomato soup.” I woke up while trying to squeeze the wound spot to make the blood/soup stop. BAM 5:30am and my toe, at the end of the bed, was pounding with my heartbeat.
What does this have to do with the future? I don’t know. Something threatening, a gushing wound. That tomato soup thing fits me, too because I do tend to have the most random thoughts whilst going through crisis…. Continue reading “Future Tripping”
The simple definition of sojourner is “a temporary resident”. To me the word conjures up so much more.
As we were reading Exodus, I was moved by the command in 23:9 which says “You shall not oppress a sojourner. You know the heart of a sojourner, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt.” God is talking to people of Israel who had spent the last 400 years as slaves in Egypt. They were clearly not treated like honored guests there, but driven hard. They were oppressed, to be sure.
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Anytime, too that either Exodus or Leviticus talks about a Sabbath rest of any kind, it mentions the sojourner or the “alien” among them… Make sure they also get to rest. Any guest should be treated like family. Conversely in Leviticus 25 it talks about what you should do when your own brother is too poor to own his home or even “maintain himself” (vs. 35), you are to treat him like a sojourner- you won’t make him work for you like a slave, but treat him as an honored guest.
There is God, being funny again. Treat strangers like brothers and brothers like strangers. It actually makes so much sense, right?.. Continue reading “Birds Have Nests”
We’re studying Revelation this week. I’m taking a breather right now to digest what we’ve heard in class and read thus far.
Just as the book itself seems to depict layers of the same “event” and from different perspectives, I have had layers of reactions to it and tried to view it from different perspectives. For a book with so much potential to confuse, I love one of the opening statements…
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” Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.” (1:3)
If you’re like me, you just don’t read Revelation ever… except maybe pieces. Over the years I have especially loved chapter 21 which talks about heaven. I have also loved the letters to the churches in the first 3 chapters because there are practical things in there I can relate to. Don’t be lukewarm in your faith, don’t give up, remember that enduring to the end leads to eternal reward… stuff like that…. Continue reading “The Cryptic Apocalyptic”
In light of my last post, how things look when I try to do everything myself, I want to think through something we talked about in class the other day…
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:3-9)
It may sound like he’s saying that you have to create these qualities within yourself, but the word supplement is the same word he uses in verse 11 when it says “For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
HIS divine power has granted us everything we need…. Continue reading “His, Mine and Ours”
Life, as a concept is much like a real human being. Blood and bone and muscles… gooey organs packed into a flesh container. It seems pretty precarious and complicated – how it functions, grows and then deteriorates. And so many things effect its processes.
There are positive equations- exercise, vegetables, sunshine, sleep. Friendship, hugs, worship of God, rest.
And negative, too- laziness, sugar, drugs, insomnia. Enemies, loneliness, self-centeredness, distraction.
We think if we just do enough of those positive things to tip the scales then life and body should be good. But there are always factors outside of our control.
And where does “inner peace” come from? Do you experience it? I know that I do and sometimes the distance between inner war and inner peace is merely shifting my focus. Sometimes it’s a matter of doing battle against whatever is coming against the peace. Sometimes I have to do battle with myself.
Where am I going with all of these random thoughts?… Continue reading “Whole Hearted”
Each week we have about 100 verses of Psalms as part of our assignment. I started way late yesterday and had just a little over an hour to get the Psalm assignment done. I was bummed that I’d shoved this into such a tight space, because there is potential for the homework to actually be a really good time with God. So I did the out loud reading and focused. I moved quickly but purposed to be present and take it all in.
This week we were to read Psalms 10-18. Of those Psalms, 18 is the longest. We’re supposed to read them all aloud, give them new titles, record what kind of Psalm each is and who wrote it and then do a “build” on one of the Psalms. The build is similar to the work we do for the rest of the books of the Bible in that we record observations, details, we interpret an observation and then do some personal application of that interpretation. Psalm 18 is, by far the longest. Clearly, I told myself, I would not be doing a “build” on that one.
But what do you know, that’s the one that impacted me the strongest as I read.
“I love you, O Lord, my strength.”…. Continue reading “Kingdom of the Heart (part 2)”