There are predictable stages to my cycles of growth. Unfortunately several of these stages are so disorienting that each time they occur I feel like Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. And they are only predictable in retrospect. I guess that means they aren’t predictable, but identifiable.
I get lost in my head sometimes. Some places are dark and foreboding. Some thoughts are loud and overbearing and sometimes they lie.
I don’t mean that I “hear voices,” but my own voice, or the echoes in my memory of things other people have said- sometimes these become more vivid than the real world around me….
I used to say that I could not get bored. What I meant was that even if I had nothing to do with my hands, there were a million places to go in my head to occupy time. I create movies in my head, think through existential dilemmas, concoct bright (or horrible) futures. But if the weather is bad, if the rooms are unkempt, my motivation to be healthy in my head and be productive outside of my head goes down drastically.
So there is my head- a frightening wilderness, a beautiful castle and other places still undiscovered and unnamed.
I’m not quite sure where I am going with all of this- I guess I hoped to discover that I really am in a cycle of growth and not just lost in my own head. Things are changing. Lots of things are changing for the better. God exists here and knows much more about the whole world and the world in my head than I ever will know. And he loves me. That is what I know.
After writing this, I had lunch with my friend, Jo. On the way to see her I had a talk with God in the car. I showed him my brokenness and felt a little panicky that he take care of it so that I would be worth hanging out with at lunch. Instead of Being All Better as we sat and talked, I was still a bit raw and we got to talk about the things God has been teaching us- honestly.
I came away with the reminder that wherever I am in a cycle of growth, God is really big and really good and my whole job is to accept his love. When I can accept his love, I can’t help but give it out to others. Being honest with him in the car helped me to be honest with my friend over a sandwich. In turn, I gained such encouragement from what my friend shared. I realized again that I am not alone and that I am loved.
There is more to share, but this is the vulnerable bit. I hope you know that what I write here is not meant to be a monologue but is always open to comment for conversation. I always want to hear from you.