Until Morale Improves

1. sensitivity to pain
2. gentleness, and kindness; feeling deep affection; devotion

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There is very little silence here. I won’t let there be. Silence is too loud. I know it must be heard, heard and sorted, but it’s hard. I do let small moments leak through leaving blind spots, like those burned into the retina by something on fire. But it’s getting better, and I have more grace with myself. It takes a long time to really grow, a long time to let myself be as broken as I am, and then heal.  And begin to heal. But it’s happening.

I began seeing a therapist at the beginning of this year, and about a month ago I realized that I trust her. The main reason it has taken me so long to find some kind of counselor is the rawness of these things that burn. I’ve spent so long being hard on myself that letting someone I barely know hear about my issues, and then advise me has been too difficult. Like someone poking an open wound, even though no one has ever been as mean to me as I’ve been to myself.

So I’m extremely grateful for this little hispanic woman who is more encouraging than corrective. It turns out what I’ve needed all along was tenderness upon tenderness. And mostly from myself.

How are things with you?

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