Great change is required inside me for there to be great change on the outside.
I don’t think that is an exact quote, but I heard something like this on Sunday and it just came back to me as I was sitting here. I had a photo shoot yesterday with some friends and I was here at the computer to edit them. I also needed to call someone with YWAM in Colorado to tell them that I will not be coming as soon as I had previously estimated, partially because I am broke.
Confused is a good word to describe how I feel. How much detail should I go into here on the internet?
I think, for one, that it fits with my personality to wrestle with decisions, directions and changes. I just do that. Sometimes I wonder if I overdue this part of the process. On the other hand it’s possible that I need the struggle to somehow prepare me for the eventual change….
It’s never as simple as figuring out what I want, although that is part of the process. Nor is it so simple to see clearly what is best for everyone involved.
My life sometimes looks very random to me- one year of Bible college where I failed academically, one year of recovering from that failure to re-dream my dreams. A 6 month missions school in Germany where my dreams seemed to explode, where my heart grew… followed by a few months of unemployment, followed by a job at a camp as an assistant baker where I ended up putting down unexpected and very deep roots. Along the way a brief, misguided marriage, a job at Starbucks, whole seasons of television episodes watched without commercial or interruption from hulu and netflix, and this last year of waking up and outdoor adventure and re-dreaming my dreams and rediscovering the presence of God.
Maybe the road to The World was through sinking deep into community? But now that I have experienced years of this community life I feel like two full grown selves have risen inside of me- One who loves to explore and discover, who feels frightened but invigorated to take risks, to experience the new thing on the other side of the risk…. this self has been here the whole time although sometimes she has slept. The other self that I did not expect is the one that sees the adventure and abundance in staying and digging deeper into what is already known. Relationships with friends here in Washington that were, many times, created stronger through shared challenges and occasional tragedy. Also a deep love for the wet wilds of the Pacific Northwest. Both my love for the people and for the place feel solid but incomplete.
How can I live both lives? Should I try? Is it a matter of alternating… or simply choosing the one that is right for the task at hand? Or does the one keep the other in check so that I neither become a permanent fixture nor do I detach and float away?
I don’t think I have to know the future in order to make decisions but it’s hard to see the next step. Or maybe I see it but don’t yet have the courage for taking that step.
The other thing I heard Sunday was from the book of Joshua;
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”